LIFE IS LIKE…DEM THAR CLOSED DOORS
This bloggage (as I like to call my postings) is mainly about Joe and I so, if your sick of reading about us, you probably wanna stop now. -Katy
The following 'bloggage' is the sole responsibility of my wife. I had no input, accept a comma or two. And those were unsolicited. What can I say? For some reason she loves me. And I her. -Joe
There is old song, sung by Charlie Rich, “Behind Closed Doors”. A song about love, ok, maybe just sex, definitely sex, definitely. But is a song of true life long lasting love?
You may be wondering where the hell I’m going to go with this but it’s a follow up on Joe’s mental health blog.
Unfortunately life is very different behind the closed doors at the house on Herman Hill.
In 2008 I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II. Believe me the last thing I wanted to add, to my already too long mental illnesses, was another one.
In my case, my Bi-Polar II has more lows than ‘highs’.
Some people experience very high highs and at times I wish I did. At least the house would be clean! My lows are added to my major depression which doesn’t make a great combination, believe me.
A lot of people may find it hard to believe I am depressed. I put on a good front, until I get behind our closed door.
I don’t know what I ever did to deserve Joe (but I’m not complaining), a lesser man would have packed his bags a long time ago. Perhaps the cost of filing for divorce costs too much but whatever the case, I know that what we have is special. And Joe is a very special person (I don’t mean short-bus special either).
When all my meds are working as they should be life is great in the Schutte house. Unfortunately I’m (actually we) are going through a time when the meds are not working to their fullest. Not by a long shot.
Even before my lay-off (January 1st) my depression wasn’t completely under control. But since then it has gotten much worse, much worse. Said lay-off is scheduled for 6 months, but with things the way they are these days who knows if my job will be available then.
That’s not what I’m worried about. I know that the Lord will take care of us and will bring something better. I love my job in Alberta and would love to go back July 1st. But as I said, who knows if it will be available.
As it stands now
I’ve isolated myself from all family and friends. My only scheduled outing is on Saturday to visit and clean at my Mom’s. Joe does his best trying to get me into the great outdoors, even if it’s just for a ride. So far this year he hasn’t had a good track record.
I’ve always been great at hiding how I really feel when in public. In fact the first time I a spent a week long ‘vacation’ in the luxurious Marquette General Stress and Depression Unit more than just a few people thought I was actually a nurse (they obviously wear normal clothes)! To say that I was a total mess in my head would be the understatement of the decade.
But behind the closed door of my ‘suite’ (I’m sure you get the sarcasm by now) my depression had me in a very tight choke-hold. Thankfully I received great care, especially from my Doctor who fixed me up with the right combination of medications to put me back on the right track.
If you see me in public (which, as I said earlier doesn’t happen much now) I still have a smile on my face and look like I don’t have a care in the world.
But behind those closed doors Joe sees how I’m really feeling and believe me it ain’t pretty!
Isolating myself is just one, in the long list, of severe depression symptoms.
Joe gets the brunt of it. I wish he didn’t but it’s not like I can control it. I could blame it on the medication not working, or it not being the proper combination. Either way, life at the moment is what it is, and it doesn’t really matter what I blame it on.
Joe is, and has always been, steadfast by my side 150% actually. No matter if I’m at my lowest or feeling great. I am truly blessed. And I’m not sucking up to him because I want something, either (but I should get a few extra brownie points).
When I say my prayers, the very first thing I do is thank the good Lord for bringing (and keeping) Joe in my life. He is the biggest blessing I have. Even if I won the lotto. Even if I won the biggest payout ever. Ah, maybe that’s what he’s waiting for, after all he would get 50% of it. I like to think that isn’t the case we’ll have to wait and see, guess.
Told ya so!
See, I told you this was going to be more about us than you probably wanna read!
I guess in short (some 944 words later) the bottom line is: I know that he will always be the branch I’m holding onto. Remember the cat hanging on just by it’s paws. You know, the ‘Hang In There’ poster. He’s always been my branch when I need him to be. Even if I’m just hanging on by a claw or two. Between him, and Jesus carrying me when I can’t walk on my own, I’m not only blessed beyond words but an extremely lucky woman. I hope you are too. (Feel free to change woman to man when reading this, if that is more appropriate).
Katy Manning Schutte
Isn't it wonderful how we somehow, in all the craziness of life, manage to find who we need and who needs us and somehow they want us, too?
ReplyDeleteGreat Post!