Monday, July 16, 2012

Joe's Big Bronchial Mis-Adventure


Once again, I am prompted to speak out on a subject that weighs heavily on my mind. No, not my weight, my health. (Yes, the two are at times interchangeable, but not here.) Perhaps I can keep this discussion brief, and to the point. Or not? Since we all know that’s a near impossibility, take a few moments, grab a cuppa and I’ll wait for you here.

Some days I am my own worst enemy. No, It's true!
As some already know, I was recently hospitalized at our local medical center, the Baraga County Memorial Hospital, and Spa. (I made that last part up, but in a perfect world...).

My unscheduled stay at BCMH wasn't entirely of my own doing. Or choosing. Without really trying, I managed to procure my very own case of pneumonia. As bronchial misadventures go, this was a doozie.

As a typical male in good standing, I made every excuse in the book to avoid a trip to the doctor. It’s fair to say my main concerns were avoidance of all things medical and, without putting too fine a point on it, a lack of health insurance.

Let’s face it. Money’s tight. And I know ours isn’t the only household facing this choice. One big medical bill and our economic house of cards will collapse. For good, or not, this choice was made for me. Not by me.

Here’s how it went down
For many weeks I suffered a nagging cough, and an inability to draw in a breath deeper than a paper cut. I was at the point where I might have to declare defeat in the management of my own healthcare. Wallowing in self-pity, and producing enough phlegm to float a small armada, I finally gave in and admitted to my beloved that I was, in fact, sick.

Which, she of course already knew.

After unwillingly pulling my aching body into the passenger side of the Escape, we coasted down to the weekend clinic. After being poked, prodded, and doused with x-rays, the doctor returned with the good news.

“Mr. Schutte”, the good doctor said, “you are very sick.” He then bandied about some medical jargon and a bit of digital hocus-pocus. With a flourish of his fingers across the keys of his laptop, a script for an antibiotic raced through the ether to the pharmacy. Only then was I was returned to the care of the good nurse Katy.

That turned out to be a huge mistake. For me.

Within eight short hours I was in the emergency room, soaked in my own sweat, feebly trying to convince the doctor, my wife and the attending nurse, that it was all some kind of cosmic mistake. If I could just go home, crawl under the covers and sleep until spring I would be just fine.

Apparently it doesn't work that way.

Somewhere after rolling into, and rolling out of Radiology, I discovered I’d been kidnapped and stuffed into a semi-private room. My arm was taped down to an IV drip. (Note to self, call broker, invest in 3M.) There was no mention of a ransom. (That came later, after I was discharged.) 

It would be unfair at this point not to mention the great care I received during my stay at BCMH. The nursing staff and attending physicians were good friends, as we're the kitchen staff and housekeeping. They all looked out for me.

Later in the game
It’s been many months since that nasty bacterial infection took up housekeeping in my lung.  Without so much as asking permission or paying rent. Not surprisingly, I was not fully recovered from the wee beasties that took up residence there. They refused to be evicted. Eminent domain my ass, maybe I should sic the Supreme Court on ’em.

There was the requisite follow-up after leaving the hospital. I endured a couple more x-rays. (I was starting to glow in the dark). Then, after six weeks supervised release into my wife's care, I was declared relatively cured. The term 'cured' being relative here.

Final diagnosis? The almost three-day stay at the Baraga County Memorial Hospital and Spa, drove home the alarming fact that I’ve become more of an old goat and less a spring chicken.

When did that happen?

Mopping up
After all that, one thing troubles me. Okay, more than one, but this first. Why is it, now that I can’t, or shouldn't, I have this almost primal urge to light up a bourbon-soaked stogie?

Perhaps for very same reason I craved a large meat-lovers pizza with extra cheese during my entire stay at BCMH. Which, by the way, clashed horribly with the heart-healthy diet prescribed by, and don’t quote me, the attending ER physician. (With sign-off by my wife, I'm sure.) The same wife who conspired with the doctor to admit me, while I was unable to make important and possibly life-altering medical decisions for myself.

That’ll learn me!

Note: I have made financial arrangements with the hospital regarding my stay (as well as other  past due bills for tests, etc.). However, another stay, for any length, for any reason, without proper health coverage, will be devastating. Financially, or otherwise. I'm just saying. - js